High Value Person: Master Your Emotions Fast

Why love alone is never enough

Love alone isn’t enough — and that’s where many of us get it wrong.

We often look at someone and convince ourselves that even if they don’t meet our standards right now, we can somehow shape them into who we want them to be.

But trying to “fix” someone is a trap that eventually turns against you. Believing that a person will change just because you invest effort, time, or closeness is a risky expectation.

At some point, you have to value yourself enough to understand this:

If someone can not offer what you truly need in life, they shouldn’t have that level of access to you.

There are 8 billion people in the world — you don’t have to settle.

When you claim to love or care for others, remember: you’re also a human being in the room who deserves that same love and care.

The four levels of a relationship are explained

There’s a powerful relationship model built around four stages that can help make sense of all this.

Level 1: Admiration

Level 2: Mutual Attraction

Level 3: Commitment

Level 4: Deep Partnership

I first came across this idea a while ago, and it completely changed how I think about relationships. It was created by Matthew Hussey, a bestselling author who has spent nearly two decades guiding people toward confident, healthy relationships.

Millions look to him for advice because his insights genuinely help transform people’s love lives.

And after learning about this framework, I’m convinced:

These four levels might be the most powerful relationship guidance told about.

You use a compelling framework when you coach people about relationships — a model built on four stages.

It’s known as the four levels of a relationship. Let me break it down.

Level one is admiration.

This is the stage where you notice someone. Maybe you’ve only seen them from a distance. They might not even know you exist, but there’s something about them that catches your attention — their looks, their confidence, their presence, anything.

At this point, nothing is mutual. It’s one-sided. It’s just your perception of who they are, not an actual connection.

Then comes level two — mutual attraction.

This is when both people feel a spark. There’s chemistry, a pull, and an interest on both sides.

And honestly, this phase can be the trickiest, because a lot of us get swept away by the excitement of attraction alone, even though attraction by itself doesn’t guarantee a real relationship in the long run.

Knowing which level you’re actually in makes everything clearer. No wonder relationships feel confusing when you don’t even know what stage you’re operating from.

There’s a shared attraction between them now. This is perhaps the most dangerous level because when we get attracted to someone, which, by the way, happens to many of us.

We feel like it doesn’t happen nearly often enough, and then we find that that person is attracted back, we feel like.

We found the Holy Grail. Yes, like this, it feels like an explosion, it’s like, oh my God.

This is the most important thing in the world. I have to do everything for this thing.

Yes, so this is level two and is dangerous. Why is this dangerous? It is on its own.

This is the single most important thing on the planet.

But it feels like it’s so important when you find it, but we realise it’s not important when we get to level three. Level three is commitment between two people, actually saying yes to each other.

 You know the number of people  I speak to who start with I have this amazing person in my life.

 People say things like, “They’re this, they’re that, they’re amazing… Matt, you don’t understand — this person and I can talk about anything. We have the best time together.”

And the moment someone starts with that long list of wonderful qualities, I already know a big “but” is coming. Because it always shows up.“But they don’t want a relationship. “But they say they’re not ready. “But they’re unsure about us.”What that really means is you’re stuck in Level Two, not Level Three — and those two places couldn’t be more different.

Level Two is like owning an incredible piece of land. Maybe it’s right by the water or in the best part of the city. It’s breathtaking. You look at it and instantly imagine what could be built there. Meeting someone with great chemistry and attraction feels exactly like that — like discovering a plot of land with unbelievable potential.

But potential is only potential. For that land to turn into anything real, you need a builder. The real question is: do you have a builder? Because when both people show up ready to build, they can create something extraordinary.

Together, they design their own castle — whatever that castle represents for the relationship. And the more they build, the more unique and beautiful it becomes.

 It survives storms; it develops hidden corners and little details only the two of you understand. That’s the magic of a real partnership: the shared effort, the slow crafting, the creation of something that belongs to you and no one else.

All that effort you’re putting in — the time, the energy, the care — it’s going into creating something that only the two of you could ever build. But now picture this: you’re there, working on this castle piece by piece… and the other builder is nowhere to be found. They’re not missing for a moment — they’re missing entirely.

They’re off living their life because they’re not trying to build anything with you.

They’re not trying to create a relationship.

Then want a moment, not a future. And that’s a completely different thing.

Level Three is where a relationship actually exists — where commitment is real.

Level Two? That’s just an experience-a connection without construction.

And that’s where the ache comes in — especially for people dating in their 20s, 30s, 40s, especially online. Of course, there’s confusion. Level Two feels exciting. It feels meaningful. It feels almost real. But it isn’t Level Three.

So how do you know if someone is truly operating at Level Three? How do you know they want the same commitment you want?

You ask the question you’ve been avoiding.

The uncomfortable, vulnerable conversation you keep pushing aside. The one you’re scared of will burst the bubble because things feel good right now. You don’t want to risk the vibe. You don’t want them to think you’re asking for too much. So you stay quiet.

You tell yourself that if you can get closer — if you can weave yourself into their world, become essential to their routines, show how much you care — then eventually they’ll realise your worth. Eventually, they’ll start matching your effort. Eventually, they’ll step up.

But that’s not how commitment works, and deep down, you already know that.

Because they’ll realise my value, unfortunately the opposite happens: we give, and someone learns that there’s absolutely no price to pay for the giving, so everything we give gets completely taken for granted and assumed, and we come to find, after months or sometimes years of being in limbo with someone, when we finally say, ‘What is this?’

they’re like, ‘I don’t know,’ and you realise you’ve wasted all that time and energy all because you weren’t prepared to have a hard conversation, and every great relationship has formed in The Crucible of hard conversations – and a hard conversation, by the way, is not necessarily an aggressive or pushy conversation; it could be an exqusite conversation.

 You can have a hard conversation; it’s just the one you’re afraid to have. That’s true. You’re going to find out very quickly where you stand, and you’re also introducing an element of ‘I’m not going to be here forever, so let’s role-play.’ So I’m in – we’re in a level two relationship.

 You and I want a commitment. I’m scared to death to ask you. I don’t know how many other people you’re dating. We’ve kind of been in that zone where we’re hooking up, and we’re going out on dates, and I feel like it’s vibing, and I now don’t even know what the language is anymore. That’s how old I am.

Do we say ‘monogamous’? Do we say ‘exclusive’? Do we say that we’re, like, dating? Heaven forbid – is that not a word we use? Like, I don’t know. Every time I would say something to my daughter like that, it’s like, ‘Okay, okay, okay.’ I don’t know what the terminology is. Um, anyhow, uh, we’re in level two.

 How do I bring this up with you? Can you give me the sentence? Matt: Yeah, there are different ways to come at this, but I’ll give you one way.

Yeah, let’s do it. Um, but I realised I’m investing a lot of time and energy into this, and it’s an amount of time and energy and intimacy.

That I wouldn’t be giving if we were still giving it to other people, and I know that I’m not because it’s just not me, and you know, I wanted to know if you’re in the same place.

 If you’re not, that’s totally okay; like, I get it, it’s fine, you know, there’s no pressure, but if you’re not in that place, I need to re-evaluate how much I’m giving to this because, you know, I’m excited to meet someone, you know, that values the same things I do or has the same things in mind that I do. I want to give my energy to someone who’s in that place.

And I realised we haven’t even had that conversation. You know, Matt, I am having a great time with you. I feel like I’m on The Bachelor right now.

 I am having a great time with you, but you know I just got out of a long-term relationship, and I don’t want to hurt you. Yeah, I’d like to see you still, but, uh, like, this is why these conversations are hard.

So yeah, that’s actually a very genuine reaction, and that’s why it works — it reflects how most people really feel. You’re basically saying something like: “Hey, that’s totally fine. I can’t keep investing my energy into someone who isn’t aligned with me.

My energy matters, and I know exactly what I bring to the table. If you’re not in the same place, that’s okay — you’re not hurting me. I always choose what’s right for me. I enjoy the time we share, but I also highly value my own goals, so I’m going to focus on that. I really do wish you the best — you’re a good guy, and I hope you find what makes you happy.

I can’t keep giving time and energy to someone who wants something different from what I do.”Now, there are a couple of details in that response that stood out—and I’m not sure whether they were intentional. One thing I noticed is that you didn’t say you liked him. You said you enjoyed the time you spent together.

That subtly puts you in the position of the person who’s not pushing the relationship into level two or three. It comes across much more confidently because you’re not fishing for reassurance or hoping he’ll say he likes you back.

Another thing is your use of the word “energy”. You didn’t say “I want commitment” or “I need monogamy.” You avoided language that makes someone feel boxed in.

Instead, you framed it around knowing your worth and choosing to invest your energy where it actually leads somewhere. That’s why the script works so well. It presents you as self-aware, calm, and grounded.

You’re enjoying the connection, but you’re also clear about what you want and not afraid to set a boundary. It’s the kind of framing you can keep using in dating, because it communicates strength without pressure.

So yeah, but that’s a very real response, right? So let’s keep it because that’s a very realistic response, okay, by a lot of people. Um, you say, ‘Look, that’s totally cool.’ I can’t keep giving my energy to someone who’s not on the same page as me. Like, it’s not for me.

 I know my energy is really precious. I know how much I have to offer someone, and if you’re not in that place, it doesn’t… You see, you don’t need to worry about hurting me because I’m always going to just do what’s right for me anyway, and as much as I like spending time with you, you know I value what I want more than that, so I’m going to do my own thing, but you know, I wish you the best, and you’re a great guy, and it’s okay. Like, I get it.

You’re a great person. I hope you know you find happiness in whatever you do, but I can’t keep giving time and energy to someone who wants something different from what I do.

There are a couple of things I want to pull out that I think are incredibly important that I noticed, and I wonder if it was on purpose. First of all, I loved that you didn’t say that you liked me.

You specifically said you liked the time we had together, and that left you feeling like you were playing the role of the person who’s not as interested in level two. I’m not ready to go to level three.

Hearing that you liked the time made you seem stronger and more confident because you weren’t sounding like, ‘Hey, I really like you. Do you like me?’ and fishing for an answer.

And then when you said ‘um’, you used the word ‘energy’. You didn’t use the word I’m looking for: ‘commitment.’ I’m looking for monogamy. You didn’t use those words that feel like you’re locking someone down.

The way that the coaching went that you just gave us in the script that you can now play and you should repeat in your dating and your relationship life was one where you said, ‘I value my energy, and I know myself, and I want to put my energy into things that are going somewhere, and so I want to have that conversation because this has been a lot of fun, and I enjoy spending time with you.’

 But I want to make sure that you know I want to check in with you. Because I don’t want to date many other people. And do you see what I’m saying? Like, you remained powerful in that because you weren’t actually looking for me to say I like you back.

You were seeking clarification on whether or not this was worth your time. So that was super important for you – listening to understand the nuance of that massively different ‘yes’ because you’re not – you’re having a conversation about the allocation of an incredibly valuable thing, and you’re showing, through the conversation, how much you value it.

I know what I have to give is incredible; like, that’s the subtext. I know what I have to offer someone is great, so you know, I’m very cautious about who I give that to.

This isn’t a ‘how dare you’, you know, uh, hook up with me or ‘how dare we spend any time together if you weren’t in the same’ – it’s like, ‘No, it’s not.’ Again, I think a lot of people can lose their power that way because they don’t take ownership of the time they’ve invested, yes, or the ways they’ve spent time with someone, or even the intimacy.

Like, you’re an adult; if you want to do something with someone, do it, own it, and enjoy it, but if it’s no longer working for you, then don’t go into resentment about the time you’ve spent; instead, just take ownership of it.

I know what I’ve been giving you, and what I will continue to provide is incredible. I know it’s really valuable.

I’m deciding whether this continues to be a good investment of all that time and energy, and if not, that’s okay. I’m not turning you into the villain, but you’re also not turning yourself into a loser either.

 Like, I think here’s the thing that’s really helpful about level one, which is, ‘Oh, I see that person over there is super attractive, but there’s nothing mutual’; level two,  It’s that blend of connection, attraction, and chemistry — and if you both decide to move forward, you step into level three, where the focus shifts to building a shared commitment. where you have to have the conversation and start to understand for yourself, not where the other person is.

But where am I? The second is when you start to feel in a relationship, where you’re giving more than you’re comfortable with, where you’re unsure of where somebody stands, where you’re starting to get sketchy about stalking people in legal terms.

You know where they are or where they are on their own. You know when you’re doing that, it’s time to have the conversation.

You’re avoiding this, which is at a point where I have to be clear about whether or not.

It’s worth my investing energy in because I think we all know that point for ourselves.

We tip into either being super clingy and insecure or insecure or resentful, like in anger mode.

 And you don’t want to be there because it’s not the other person’s fault that they don’t want to give you a commitment; it’s your fault if you continue to show up to something that isn’t actually good for you, and the standard itself can actually be the thing that creates attraction.

We think you know we ask a lot of questions about how we can create attraction with someone.

Well, one of the most amazing ways to create attraction is have standards and live by them. Let me tell you a story because you’re going to love this, and your audience is going to love this.

This is a story from something my own wife sent to me at a time when I was not the heroic, uh, you know, ultra-giving one in the situation.

 I was the one who was all over the place. Okay, by ‘all over the place’ you mean like you were like a player, you were dating a bunch of people at the same time, or what? We went – we were – we had met in London.

I’d like to literally come back for a couple of weeks to see family. That was where we met, and then I went back to Los Angeles, where I live.

 We just had a great time together, so you’re level two, very much level two. Got it? Like, deep level two. Well, I don’t know what that means, but level two lots and lots of attraction and absolutely no commitment. Can I just say something? Yeah, there is no such thing as deep level two. Let me tell you why.

 There’s only level two. You, I mean, this is exactly it. You’re like letting it be something. It’s just level freaking two. Correct? That’s exactly right. Okay, so I go back to Los Angeles, and we’re texting back and forth; we’re having some calls.

It’s still fun, still engaging; we’re excited to speak to each other. Gradually, I start to fall off. What does ‘fall off’ mean? Like, I am not smiling. It’s like, day by day, my texts get less frequent.

I stopped, so I probably, at some point, stopped calling and started only texting. Then the texts were less and less frequent, and then I thought I didn’t know what it was.

A couple of weeks went by, and we’d already not been texting for a while; maybe a few days went by, or a couple of weeks, I can’t remember.

Audrey probably remembers, but at a certain point, I sent a message that either said, ‘Miss, I miss you,’ or ‘I’m thinking of you.’ She sent me a message I’ll never forget, and for every woman out there, take this message and run with it because it is so powerful, and it’s so, and it’s word-for-word perfect.

Now bear in mind that I just want to stop for a moment. What’s the instinct to do in that moment if you like someone? ‘I miss you too.’ Yeah, like you, you just get a rush of blood to the head, and your nervous system is activated.

I’m just happy this person reached out and that they’re saying something affectionate like ‘Oh my God’, and this is for every human being. Like, I don’t care how old you are; I don’t care, like, about gender or whatever. Like, this is every one of us.

We all have that where if somebody’s gone silent and all of a sudden you get that little ‘you’re like, “There it is,”‘ and that’s what you just said is why level two is the most dangerous stage because the instinct in that moment is to text someone back, right? You feel the urge to rush to them, to do anything just to be by their side — but in that moment, that very impulse can be the most harmful one.

So she didn’t do that; she sent this message back. She said, Hey, um, I hope you’re well. When I get a message like this from you, I don’t really know what to say, so again, that’s like that first line is like confusion.

She’s pointing out that there’s something at odds with my words and my behaviour. Mhm. So, hey, um, I hope you’re well. To be honest, when you send a message like that, I don’t really know what to say, or I’m not really sure what to say.

We haven’t really felt that close for a while now, and then she puts in parentheses, ‘Rightly or wrongly, this message feels like it comes across like a bid for attention.’ Whoa.

So if you break down that message, let’s do it. It has everything; it communicates so much, and this is why I’m not someone who says, like, ‘You know, here are a thousand scripts; use them word for word.’

But you have to understand why language matters, because language matters deeply, and if you know why it works, you could say it your way, but why does it work well? I hope you’re well, so there’s still a warmth to that. It’s not like, ‘How dare you?’ I hope you’re well.

I don’t wish you any harm, but when you send something like this, I’m not really sure what to say. Why? Because we haven’t really felt that close for a while, so it’s a little strange.

The fact that we’ve kind of stopped talking very much means the interactions we have are very superficial and very non-committal. There’s not much energy behind them. There’s not much thought or intention behind them.

They’re more and more sparse, and then at the end of all of that, you send. When someone says, “ I miss you, ” even though their actions over the past month show the contrary, it immediately highlights the gap between their words and their conduct.

We hadn’t really been close for a while, and she was willing to admit that rather than pretending everything was fine. Most people, in moments like that, are intimately hoping you won’t point out the gap — that you’ll ignore the contradiction and simply echo their sentiment.

They expect “ I miss you” to be met with “ I miss you too, ” so the vision stays complete.

 But she refused to play along. She wasn’t going to reflect a feeling that didn’t match reality. Rather, she put a spotlight on what neither of us had been addressing, leaving no room for defences.

And also she added, “ correctly or incorrectly, ” which was actually important. It showed modesty rather than pride — she wasn’t attacking me, and she wasn’t trying to provoke mine.

 She was saying, “Perhaps I’ve missed, but from where I stand, it seems like you’ve stopped trying. It feels less like you want a relationship and more like you want attention. ” And she was honest enough to say, “ I could be wrong. ”

 Hearing that forced me to face what was passing. And how someone reacts in that moment depends entirely on who they are. Some people — especially emotionally unhealthy ones — respond by love bombing.

They suddenly go into overdrive, calling continuously, laying on the charm, making big gestures like “ I’ll fly out this weekend ” or “ Come see me right now. ” Their thing is to pull you back by, to recapture control.

I didn’t do that at the time, but there were surely moments in my history when I would have.

 And it’s important to understand that all of this still sits in position two of a relationship — the attraction phase — because there hasn’t been a real discussion about commitment.

 It keeps you in that unstable space where everything is about chemistry and attention, nothing about clarity or direction. That’s the trap of position: two people can keep you there indefinitely.

 What Audrey did in that moment was honour that she had done living in position two. My pulling down made her conscious that she wanted the relationship further predicated, further certain, if the relationship was going to continue.

 And rather than acting like someone hopeless to cling to the attraction stage, she acted like someone who no longer wanted to be stuck there. She chose thickness over confusion — a commodity most people nowadays do.

She wanted a better half who was actually ready for position three — someone who could show real commitment. And I really need everyone to hear that you’ll stay set in level two always if you avoid the level-three discussion.

No one is going to value your time, your dreams, and your future as important as you do. Expecting them to is the quickest way to lose time in your life.

 A lot of the people I work with aren’t 21 presently. You can’t casually waste five times with someone who’s just floating in position two when you’re in your 30s, late 30s, or early 40s.

Many of them have huge, meaningful ambitions — like wanting a family of their own — and they’re in danger of sacrificing that dream by staying with someone who isn’t willing to commit.

 And trust me, the person who kept you staying isn’t the one who ends up paying the price for that lost time. Even if they ultimately feel sorry, regret does not give your time back.

 I’m glad we’re having this discussion because I’ve watched too many friends lose entire decades in connections that never moved forward.

And this isn’t just about casual dating or relations. Occasionally, it looks like living with someone who refuses to talk about marriage, or being with a spouse you keep hoping will one day want kiddies.

 The shift from level two to level three is about being honest about the commitment you want.

 Level two doesn’t only mean the early-stage limbo of month three when one person wants a relationship, and the other doesn’t.

 It applies to any situation where someone can not — or will not — meet the level of commitment you’re seeking.

 Some couples have been together for a long time. One person deeply desires marriage and wants to make a family, while the other stays undecided or keeps repeating, “ I’m not sure I want that kind of commitment. ” And that mismatch is exactly what keeps people stuck in level two, hoping for change that never comes.

 You know exactly what you need to feel truly happy — and you also know when someone isn’t giving you those things. That’s a powerful realisation. We often talk about dating, but the truth is, you can stay stuck in level two for years.

You keep yourself in a relationship because the attraction is there, or because there are a few good moments, but deep inside, you know you’re not getting the commitment your heart genuinely wants. Let’s explore level two more deeply.

The toughest conversation you’ll ever face is the one you have with yourself. Because before you say anything to them, you have to admit to yourself that the talk you’re avoiding might be the very one that ends the relationship.

And many people hesitate to have an honest conversation with their partner simply because they’ve never been honest with themselves first — about what they’re willing to accept and what truly matters in their love life. This applies to every part of life, but especially to love: if you want a different outcome, you have to rewire the way you think.

I even devoted a whole chapter in my new book to exactly that — how to retrain your mind when you’ve been operating the same way for years.

So how do you actually change? How do you reach the point where you’re ready to act differently?

The first step is making a change non-negotiable for yourself.

One thing I help people do is finally face the conversations with themselves that they’ve postponed for years. Sometimes it’s a 35- or 37-year-old who finally admits how much they want children.

It always starts with deep honesty — acknowledging what you want and why it matters so much. People often rationalise: “Maybe they’ll change.” “I still have time.” “I can wait a little longer.” But if building a family is one of your life’s biggest priorities, then biology is a real factor — and after mentoring people for nearly two decades, I’ve seen how painful it is when that window closes.

I’ve watched heartbreak up close. At one of my retreats, a woman completely broke down because she had spent ten years married to a man who kept saying he “wasn’t sure” about having kids.

She repeatedly avoided the conversation with him — and with herself.

 She missed her biological window, and he left the relationship anyway. The grief she carried was overwhelming, and years later, she still hadn’t fully recovered.

This is why the starting point is brutal honesty with yourself:

How important is this to me? Why does this matter so deeply? What makes this a non-negotiable for my life?

That’s where the real clarity begins.

 At least it’s a non-negotiable that I’m going to try for because it’s a non-negotiable even for those for whom it’s a non-negotiable.

 We all know not everyone has it as simple as they think it’s going to be, and many people find it impossible.

Well, and I also want to broaden this out because what you’re actually talking about is the level of honesty.

You have to have it with yourself to go from level two to level three. if it’s not happening, whether that’s dating to moving in, living together to engaged, engaged to married, or trying harder in a relationship. There is this movement that has to be intentional to get you to the commitment phase.

 And I can see how if you don’t even know what the hell you want, you’re not being honest with yourself, you wouldn’t be able to have the conversation in a casual love situation of saying, ‘Hey, I just know myself, and I don’t want to put my energy into something that isn’t actually heading somewhere.

 And so I need to check in with you because I’m having a lot of fun, but I know myself, and I prioritise my well-being and my time, and I need to do the check.’

The gut check now, even to have the conversation lightly and play, you need to have a powerfull sense of what matters to you and of the path that you’re on in life; you have to, otherwise you’ll never back up anything you do. It will be a tactic, not a standard.

 I think the mistake that a lot of us make is that we look at a person across from us, and we think, ‘Even if this isn’t up to my standards, I can fix this person.

 I can twist this person. I can get I was not thinking this consciously, but if I can get close enough, I can change this, and that is a tactic that will backfire on you.

 Yes, you’ve seen it happen over and over again. The idea that if I get close enough and try hard enough, they’re going to change is a non sequitur.

 What does that mean? That’s a big word. It’s a really dangerous assumption to make. I call it the one-day wager. I stake my life, my energy, my time.

My most precious resources in the world, the ones I can’t get back on the idea. That this person is one day going to suddenly change into all of the things I need them to become for me to be happy.

The irony is, people can change, but they change through hard conversations, and you also find out they can’t change through hard conversations, because you’ll learn even if they say they’re going to do something.

You’ll learn whether there’s progress, and if there’s no progress, there’s your answer. There’s a great Jac M broad quote that goes Consider how hard it is to change yourself, and you’ll understand.

 That’s why I wish I had said that, because that’s a good one. It’s just, I think, so true. I want to eat well right now.

 Okay, I’m not eating well. Why? Why not? Because we’re on the road, and there’s so much good food in every city, and I – we – have been doing a lot of broadcasting.

 I haven’t been getting to the gym lately. I’m not trying to make excuses — but in a way, I am — because it’s just been incredibly hard.

When I stop training, my eating habits fall apart, and when I eat poorly, I feel awful.

Then I get stuck in this loop, and honestly, that’s the cycle I’ve been caught in for the past week.

My relationship with food has always been complicated. It’s felt like an addiction for as long as I can remember — something extremely hard to break. I’m still working on it, and it’s definitely an ongoing journey. I want to change it, and I’m trying to stay motivated.

Anyone who has ever gone to therapy understands this: deciding to go is a huge first step. But once you’re in it, you start seeing things about yourself you might want to change — and actually shifting those patterns is incredibly hard. If the change were easy, you would’ve already done it.

Now imagine someone who hasn’t even accepted that they need to change anything.

Even if they acknowledge that improving something might help the relationship, they still need to feel motivated, stay committed, and push through the discomfort consistently. Expecting that level of effort from someone we’re dating is a huge assumption.

Can people change? Yes.

But have you actually talked to them about it?

Is there real progress?

Is that progress continuing?

Most of us don’t even get that far. Right now, you’re probably discussing what bothers you with your friends — not with the person involved.

It’s true: being stuck in level two means I’m not even willing to have the level-three conversation. So, of course, I’m not going to bring up deeper issues with them either. Wait… that says everything.

I genuinely need to have that conversation because I want to reach level four. When people get to level three — the commitment stage — a big mistake they make is assuming that love alone is enough.

But love isn’t everything. To truly make a relationship work, you need level four: compatibility.

So what does compatibility actually mean?

It’s essentially: Do we function well together?

Do our lives, values, habits, and needs fit in a way that feels supportive rather than draining?

A lot of people want things to work, but they don’t know how to tell whether the relationship actually does work. The simplest foundation is this: Can I get my essential needs met with this person?

There are plenty of “nice-to-have” things in a relationship, but your core needs matter most. And you have to be honest about what those needs are.

A friend of mine used to date only dancers. After he got married, I asked him whether his wife danced. He laughed and said she’s the most uncoordinated person he’s ever met.

 So I asked if it bothered him — since dating dancers was always his “type.” And he said, “Matt, how often do you think I even dance? Maybe once or twice a year.

It doesn’t impact my life at all. What matters is that she’s an amazing partner and an incredible mother. She’s my best friend. That’s what affects my life every single day.”

That’s the difference between preference and compatibility.

I’m glad we’re talking about compatibility because it’s one of those things you don’t fully grasp until you’re with someone you genuinely are compatible with.

Then you suddenly think, “Wow… this feels so much easier.”

Looking back on past relationships, I can now see that even though we committed — we were technically in level three — we never had level four. We wanted to fit together, but we didn’t.

And I could tell because there was constant friction. Every little thing felt like work. There was always low-grade irritation — whether it was choosing a restaurant, planning a weekend, or just being around each other.

When someone’s tiny habits constantly annoy you, that’s a sign you’re not actually compatible.

When you are compatible, life isn’t that hard. Of course you argue, of course you get annoyed sometimes — but it blows over quickly because your energies match and naturally settle together.

For example, I’m someone with big ADHD energy — fast, competitive, driven. And the reason I’m so compatible with my husband is that he’s gentle, patient, and incredibly easygoing.

 If I were with someone who matched my intensity, it would probably be chaos. Compatibility is the glue that makes commitment sustainable.

 Honestly, if I were with someone who had the same intense energy as me, we’d probably clash nonstop — it would create so much friction that the relationship simply wouldn’t work. That’s why compatibility matters so much.

You can feel it when you’re not compatible: everything feels heavy, you’re often irritated, you’re tiptoeing around them, or you feel like you can’t fully be yourself. But when compatibility is there, everything flows. It just works.

I knew Chris was “the one” the moment I realised, “Wow, I can show up exactly as I am — and even as I’m not — and I don’t have to pretend or force anything.”

 I didn’t have to act, adjust, or work hard to fit some version of myself that wasn’t real. That’s the core of compatibility: being able to be authentically you.

And when you find someone who allows that — who matches your energy instead of fighting with it — the relationship will feel easier than anything you’ve experienced before.

Matthew:

What would you say to someone who’s struggling to see their own value inside a relationship?

We have to care enough about ourselves not to keep giving our time, effort, love, intimacy, and energy to someone who can’t offer us the things we truly need. That’s real self-respect.

So how do you turn that idea inward?

Remember this: there are eight billion people on the planet — and you are one of them. When you say you love people and you want to take care of others, you’re also included in that circle. You matter too. That awareness is the starting point. But it goes even deeper.

Out of all eight billion people on Earth, you are the only one whose job is to protect, nurture, and care for yourself. When you were born, life handed you one assignment:

Take care of this person — the one you wake up in every day.

Your role is to support this human, stand up for them, help them feel safe, guide them toward happiness, and refuse to abandon them. That’s the essence of self-love.

 When you see it from this perspective, comparing yourself to others suddenly becomes pointless. You realise, “This is the only version of me I get.”

There’s no trading this human in for another one. And if that’s true, then judging yourself becomes irrelevant — because your real responsibility is simply to give this one life the best possible care.

That’s when self-love starts to make sense. I finally understood that I didn’t need to like myself first. Loving myself wasn’t about warm feelings — it was about action. It’s a responsibility. It’s a verb.

When you see self-love that way, you naturally start asking different questions: Why would I allow someone near me who doesn’t respect this human? Why would I accept behaviour that leaves this human doubting their worth?

Why would I keep someone close who is inconsistent, who puts me on a shelf and then picks me up again when it suits them?

Once you understand your role — the role of caretaker, protector, advocate for this one human you’ve been assigned — your standards rise automatically. Even when it’s difficult, you stay connected to the fact that it’s your job to look after yourself.

And this isn’t something you realise once and never think about again. It’s something that comes up again and again — sometimes every month, sometimes every week — especially in moments when you feel disconnected from yourself or forget why you deserve better.

— Matthew Hussey

from the new book Love Life

I love you. I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create a life that feels aligned with who you really are. Now that you’ve heard this conversation, you know exactly how to begin. So start.